I love the excitement in his eyes . . .

I love that snowfall still thrills my son. I love that he jumps up and down at the prospect of playing in the snow and especially that he excuses mommy for having become such a wimp and hating the snow.

Jonathan loves to sled down a snowy hill and he especially loves it when he can do it with his Dad or his grandfather. Unlike his dad and I, Jonathan’s Grandfather, my dad, will go up and down that hill almost as many times as Jonathan wants.

Dad turned 68 this month and didn’t seem as keen as going up and down that hill as he once did and even attempted to tire the kid out by making sure the sled went further down the hill, which meant Jonathan would have to walk further. No task seemed too daunting for the “Energizer Bunny” though.No matter how far he had to walk he’d get to the top of the hill and say “Again!”

His one ride with mommy resulted in a near disaster as we missed clipping the flag pole by a mere two inches and I ended up having my camera buried in snow. Before we almost hit the pole I honestly heard the clink in my head and imagined we would both be bleeding within seconds. I have no idea how we missed that pole, but I joked with my aunt later that God probably rolled his eyes at my silly screaming and kicked the sled to one side while rolling his eyes and saying, “Good, grief…get a grip on yourself, child.”

I’ll admit that I was more worried about the camera than the state of Jonathan and I when it was all over since Jonathan was laughing and I still had all my limbs. That wild ride was my last and I made my poor father come out and finish the sled rides.

Jonathan didn’t seem to mind at all.

Of course, my dad might have minded the last couple of trips since my kid announced after that first ride, when he got hit in the face with flying snow, “I’m sitting in the back now!”

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Stillness.

Jonathan almost never seems to be still anymore. He is constantly moving, constantly talking.

He gets up early and tries his best to continue his rambunctious activity late into the night.

He wants to jump from couches and climb on stools and chase the cats and splash in mud puddles and play robots and play Iron Man and …

 

And that’s in only the first ten minutes of the day. I am a zombie by 11 p.m., but I often push my eyelids open simply so I can have a few moments to myself, without hearing a small voice telling me he’s just “helped” decorate the tree and without that feeling of dread that he’s about to leap into a trip into the emergency room.

I have an absolute blast with this kid — no joke.

A couple of years ago he got sick, so sick all he could do is sit in one place and stare. He wouldn’t eat or drink and wasn’t interested in playing. It was a horrible nightmare for his dad and I. On those days where we are so tired we can’t see straight but he’s still spinning in circles in the living room floor just to see how dizzy he can get, Hubby and I remember that illness and thank God he’s still with us.

We then ask for him to fall asleep for the night, just so we can think straight again and collapse from the mental and emotional exhaustion being a parent brings.

Even though we never want to see him like he was then, sick and pale, and completely uninterested in life, there is something so precious and perfect about our son when he’s finally surrendered to sleep.

We know his body is recovering from his full-on energy-filled day. And we know it won’t be long before he’s awake and ready to go again.

 

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If you just smile

I really don’t have a story to tell…..

I like these photos. I took them in the beginning of June.

They’re of my kid. I took them on  a day where I just wanted to shoot and not be “a professional photographer” (she said in a deep booming voice to add more affect).

I saw them again today and something in them struck me. Something that reminded me that being “professional” is sooo over rated.

 

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Our bunny visitor

The first time we saw our bunny visitor he was in the back yard and I chased him through the fence before Crazy Dog saw him and used him as a chew toy.

The next time Jonathan and I were going into the house from somewhere and saw him dart under a bush by the house.

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Another time he was in the yard while we were on our way to the store.

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Tonight he was in the front yard eating grass when we came back from a softball game at the church and didn’t seem at all bothered by us being there. The sun was setting as we planted ourselves in the grass on our bellies and watched our little visitor.

He ate grass, wiggled his nose and watched us while we watched him. We followed him around the yard for a good 15 minutes, me with my camera, Jonathan failing miserably at tip-toeing or walking slowly.

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I wasn’t feeling very good when we pulled in the driveway – stuffy nose, hives from some caffeine I had consumed a couple hours before (yeah, I should be in a bubble based on all the things I can not eat or drink.) and feeling slightly dehydrated from not drinking enough during the warm day.

I forgot about how I was feeling when Jonathan and I were laying in the grass, his head against my shoulder, his eyes big as saucers as he watched the bunny hop and wiggle its’ nose.

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The only thing I did think of was what a perfect moment it was.

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Waiting for spring….

Waiting for spring has been painful this year. Our winter has been long and seemingly never ending. As I write this, forecasters are warning we may receive another winter snow storm – on April Fool’s at that. I don’t believe it will really come and even now it is raining rather than snowing.

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I knew winter would be long and I tried to brace myself as best as I could. As it wore on, though, depression settled in as I started to think about how close I am coming to my winter years. You know – the years where you are cold and barren. Yes, I know, what a depressing thought.

Still, from time to time, normally when I’m low on Vitamin D (it doesn’t help that I’m also lactose intolerant) I find myself thinking about how old I’m getting and I start worrying that Hubby and I might not have another child. I start worrying that I may never live out dreams I once had and instead spend my life wallowing in misery in a job I’m not even sure I want to be in.

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As all these thoughts of life’s winter settled in, though, so did thoughts of spring. One day in early March Jonathan and I saw blossoms pushing up out of the ground.

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The site of those purple petals, no matter how small, lifted my spirits enough to remove the gloom settling over my brain and heart and even as another snow storm covered the flowers a few days later, I knew they would return again soon and bring spring with them.

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The things he says. . .

I said to Jonathan one night that I was too tired to get down on the floor with him to play.

“I’m too old…” I whined.

“You’re not old…I don’t see any oldness in you..” Jonathan said with a little lilt in his voice. “You’re just a normal girl.”

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I wrote in my journal that night: I love this kid!

A week later, some depression had set in over a situation that just doesn’t seem to want to go my way. I started to cry.

“Why you cryin’ mama?” “I just can’t seem to win!” I whimpered.

“That’s OK,” Jonathan said and patted my back as I cried. “It’s fun to lose too…like when you’re playing a game. It’s still fun…Even if you lose.”

I sniffled and looked up at my four year old — so much wiser than me at this point.

“it is fun to lose?” I was a bit confused “

Yeah, it’s fun.”

“So I should have fun while I’m losing?”

“Yeah!”

It was the best advice I’d gotten all week.

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You are good enough…..

You’re just not good.

You’re photos aren’t technically sound.

Wow. That’s blown out.

Honey, honey, I’m just trying to be nice, but maybe you should do some more portfolio building before you try to go into business.

Your work is crap, no wonder you don’t get clients.

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If you listen to all the negativity then you will never get to the positive.

If you listen to the lies then you’ll never hear the truth.

Don’t compare yourself to others because we are all different.

Maybe you don’t think you’re good enough. Most likely you never will be “good enough.”

At least not the “enough” you’re thinking of.

I know I don’t feel like I am good enough.

Ever.

But God does.

And that’s all that matters.

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